Attraction and Relationships

Drew Rozell, Session Leader

Drew: Hello everybody, and welcome to Attraction and Relationships. We started the discussion earlier and we'll continue it here as to what drew people to this call. What brought you here?

Kari: This is my first call-in, and I just recently joined Attractionville in the last couple of weeks. I've been listening to some of the previous things you have on tape and wanted, then, to think about how in your life you've somehow attracted it, and then I started to think that it also included the people around me. I'm just interested in exploring that a bit more, and hopefully attracting some better people – or better people for me – in my life.

Drew: You got it! Thank you. Is there just specifically a universal kind of people you attract, or is there one specific person to you – ?

Kari: Well, I could have a split personality in that I have this very grounded, traditional part of me – old friends, high school buddies, and such – then I have this other side of me that's very fun-loving and carefree and I'm looking to attract more of that into my life.

Drew: Okay. Very good; thank you. Anybody else before we get started?

Helen: What attracted me is that I am – I've been using attraction on a business setting and I realized that I haven't been using it in my personal life.

Drew: You have, just not deliberately!

Helen: Yes, I'm not getting back necessarily what I really want and I know I have a lack of clarity and personal conflicts around what I want, so what's happening is either not very much or not the things I want – the quality that I would like. I don't even know exactly what I want, so I'm starting way back with this one.

Drew: When you say you don't know what you want, are you referring to – what are you referring to?

Helen The whole personal, social arena – everything from how involved do I want to be in a typical boy-girl relationship – I don't want to call it ‘intimate' because all my relationships are intimate. I don't know how much of that I want, and at a friendship level, I definitely want it to be – I'm surrounded by people who are either my professional peers or people who are a lot older than me and I just don't have those people want to be able to spontaneously go play with. I haven't done anything with that except be aware of it.

Drew: So it sounded to me like in there you want some clarity of intention.

Helen: That would be a good starting point!

Drew: And maybe a better understanding of the conflicting intentions that you have.

Helen: Yes, and I definitely have conflicting intentions, particularly around the whole dating arena.

Drew: Okay! Perhaps if there's an appropriate time and you feel comfortable, we'll delve into that further. Thank you for sharing that. Who else?

Deb: This is the first time I've communicated this. As you know, Drew, I'm a coach and so relationships and attraction and all that are importantly to me personally and professionally. I'm just starting to dabble more with group coaching and so I'm hoping through this call and this group to get a little more understanding of how I attract that group that is just so perfect – a perfect bunch of people that generates the energy to make coaching easy, insightful and fun. I don't mean to muddy the waters but that's where I'm at.

Drew: No waters muddied there. Do you see anything in the way of that?

Deb: The only thing that might see in the way right now is my confusion about the group as being one big relationship – do I look at each individual that I want to attract in this group and approach it from that angle, or can I create a way where I attract the group as one entity?

Drew: Okay, I think I got what you're talking about.

Deb: Good, because I'm not sure I do!

Drew: Well, I can hear the resistance and confusion under that too. What's showing up is that there's some resistance to this idea that it would be easy, effortless – the group thing would be great, cool, easy, profitable….

Deb: Yeah, sort of. There's not resistance to the group thing being great, easy, or profitable; there's resistance to challenging. I'd like to make the group be its own entity. I want to focus on the type of group that I want, in particular.

Drew: And just to clarify, are you looking to have this group show up as an individual?

Deb: Yeah, I'd like it to have its own personality.

Drew: Okay, got it. This will segue me to one of the first questions I had down. What is a relationship?

XXX: Interaction between 2 or more people.

Drew: Okay.

XXX: It could also be an energetic connection, or a flow between 2 people.

Drew: Yeah, and certainly at the attraction level. Well, what are components of a relationship?

XXX: It can be something that has a creative purpose to it.

Drew: The perfect segue to my next question! Why do we have relationships?

XXX: I've been asking myself that for years!

(laughter from participants)

Drew: Or, why don't we have relationships? We don't really examine we have relationships or why certain people are in our lives – some people do, but the majority of the people don't give it a lot of thought.

Helen: I keep noticing that certain kinds of people, especially in dating situations, keep getting put in my path, and I know that I'm going through this sort of creative process, but I wonder why I keep getting paired up with people who are not willing to complete the process.

Drew: What does that last part mean?

Helen: Well, the last 2 people I've dated, it's like we've both been going through this process of change – like the relationship is going to teach us something. This has been coming through to me in a clear way, and the other people have indicated that they've sensed it too. At any event, in both instances, we go so far with the development of the relationship and the changes, and then I was willing to continue on the path but both the people I was dating got to a point where they chose to stop – intentionally – and even though the dynamics were really good and we really liked each other, there was no reason to stop other than for developmental reasons.

Drew: Is that one of the reasons we have relationships? What I heard in there was that relationships are a vehicle for personal growth.

Helen: Well, I think that's true.

Drew: I know it resonates with me; the people that we surround ourselves with are there to show us ourselves.

Helen: Exactly – it's the mirror function.

Drew: And from people's experience, relationships really aren't about the other person; they're part of the relationship, but at a deeper level – where you can really impact change – relationships are really about each one of us as individuals. Who we attract into our lives or our situation are there to reflect part of us, whether it's something we like or don't like. How do you see it? Is that in line, way out of line – ?

Helen: It's been my experience that people are put into our lives – I tend to attract people who reflect where I am at that point in time. My customer base even has changed to coincide with that.

Drew: How did they change?

Helen: What the people are wanting – the people I'm getting now are at a higher topic level, they're more purposeful and directed about what they want in their lives, and they want to become self-actualized. Before, I was getting people who were talking about the problems but not putting actions with it.

Drew: So they've evolved and you've evolved. For those of us who are coaches, I think we get that a lot. The people you bring to you are right there at your level or not very far off. If you look at the coaching profession and some of the struggles people have in it, you'll see that they're not looking at themselves at a very high level, and that's the kind of clients they attract too.

Helen: And then the whole business gets easier, but if you marry it to dating or friendship or whatever, the same thing is true but it's a little tougher to look at what's coming back.

Drew: Yes. How many people right now – what do you think of the idea that the relationships and people that you attract are really there to reflect something in you? We'll be in a relationship with someone and look outside of ourselves as that relationship being because of something, for example.

XXX: Yes (multiple voices)

Drew: In my relationships, I've had the pattern I think a lot of people have had, where you attract something in your relationships that you don't really want and it's time to move on to another relationship. Then, when you move to the next one, what do you create? Something you don't really want – again. That's not going to change anything because what the universe is going to respond to is my underlying vibration – it's not responding to the words that I want, but it's responding to my underlying vibration. That's why I look at relationships as so you finally get it – what you need to change in yourself rather than in the person around you.

XXX: That's really great. Are they in the relationship with me so I can change them or so they can change me? (laugh)

Drew: And we all know that we really can't change people. What's underneath that all the time is the energy of blame, and that never feels good.

XXX: And it never works! You may like to think it will eventually, but….

XXX: Yeah, because underneath that, it's just something that doesn't feel good.

Helen: The question that comes up for me is, ‘What is it that I really want?'

Drew: That's what we're doing – projecting ourselves and the things we really want ourselves to be and often are not. It's much easier to put that on other people. If not yourself, you've certainly seen it happen in other people where they attract the same thing in a relationship over and over. This could be a business relationship or a personal relationship. Why is that? What's really going on there?

XXX: I feel that we have to wake up around who we are, and literally wake up around the areas in relationships where we have expectations and we do things the same way we've always done it because that's what we learned from relationships when we were growing up. I think you have to come to a relationship with a certain consciousness.

Drew: I'm going to come off that point again. Why do we have relationships? What are we supposed to get out of them? Part of that is to reveal ourselves, but what I see is that people look at relationships as a way to complete themselves. That by being with this person, I'm going to complete part of me and part of this person's role is to fill me.

XXX: What I'm hearing in that is that it may be very accurate that relationships serve to complete us, and where the collapse happens is in the whole thing that it's in the other person's job to do the completion and not ourselves. Let me put it another way – it's not the relationship itself, but we do come to relationships kind of like a laboratory where we're given the raw materials to complete ourselves and the other person is going to complete us. It's like walking into a laboratory and saying to the laboratory, ‘Do the experiment' and then scratch our heads and wonder why the experiment isn't done.

Drew: I like that! That's well said.

XXX: When you posed the question, what came up for me was that what we may be striving for is self-acceptance. I come from the belief that we're really already complete and it's just a matter of recognizing that and accepting that and accepting everything about ourselves that we're aware of.

Drew: I would come from that place; yes, we are whole – we forget that. perhaps the role of the relationship is to show us and remind us of the places we need to focus on to regain that feeling of wholeness, and that all exists within us. If you look at a lot of – I don't know if you're familiar with Tom Stone's Core Dynamics of Problems model, but one of his models is mistaking need for love. What relationships are based on very often, by looking at this core dynamic, is that people mistake need for love. What that means to me – and I'll just give you my definition on this – the way most of us experience love right now is that it's a conditional thing. It's not something where we fully give ourselves because that seems hard. In all of those things, there's a danger to having this unconditional love; it's risky and we're not used to coming from that place.

The idea of love in the popular culture, it's like ‘I need you to complete me in that way, and it's your job to fill my needs in that way.' From a relationship standpoint, I think that's where most people are coming from when they call it ‘love', but it's not love, it's need. Look at the energy underneath that. Who wants to be in a relationship like that? Ironically, when you are – I've gotten this from different therapies, social psychology work, and so on – when we're coming from this place of need, and one of my needs has been a need to be appreciated, so who do you attract in your life? People that appreciate you?

XXX: People that need to be appreciated.

Drew: Exactly the people who can't give you what you want.

XXX: Yeah, that's my experience. You attract the people who can't give you what you need.

Drew: What's that about?

XXX: Think about it; if I have a real need for appreciation, where does that need come from?

XXX: Lack of self-esteem.

Drew: Whatever your need is, where do they come from?

XXX: The lack of something or the appearance that something's missing.

Drew: It comes from your childhood, some sort of childhood experience or conditioning. Through our conditioning, we start to have these holes; we feel like we have this need that wasn't met and we feel like we have to fill it. This starts to drive our actions and starts to drive what we attract. If I have a need for appreciation, that's my point of attraction – that I don't think I'm going to be appreciated. Again, it's this longing or negative vibration that is going to be my point of attraction.

XXX: Then you're only going to attract people that need the same thing, and that's the whole thing about waking up. Whatever you put out, that's what's going to come back to you. Then, the relationship becomes doomed from the start unless both can become conscious around it and work with it. it's been a really hard thing I have to accept, and everything that gets put in my face is the belief that everything can be right there and the person still can't choose not to enter into that relationship – that's what's coming back again and again.

Drew; And is that okay?

XXX: No, in a couple of cases it hasn't been okay because I thought a couple of people were really good fits, but then I wondered ‘A really good fit for what?'

Drew: I hear a subtle need under there.

XXX: I think it has to do with that in the last year I've started to recognize the voice of particular unmet needs with my father. I finally was able to name that I needed to be vulnerable with my father and was never able to ask that from him. I finally went to him within the last 6 months and told him that had always been there; I've been working to own that within me and cultivate that within our relationship.

Drew: Thank you for sharing that. I think this discussion on needs is a really important one because as the light bulb went on for me around relationships and what we attract, in almost every instance you can see that there's a need in there somewhere. In order to change the relationship – in order to change what you attract, I think it's imperative to see that our needs are not us. People will make their needs very personal…..rather than getting the message that until we complete this ourselves, we're going to continue to bring that same message over and over and over. The universe will whisper in our ear, then shake us a bit, then punch us in the gut, and then drop us to the floor if we don't get it. Needs are not part of who I am.

Jennifer: Can you elaborate a bit on how to handle those needs so they don't overtake you?

Drew: Sure. Do you know how to recognize them in the first place?

Jennifer: I think the way I would recognize is if someone rubs me the wrong way, or I have bad memories….

Drew: If you just meet someone, what would be an indication – ? Whatever upsets you, whatever knocks you off kilter or causes a reaction within you, that's a place to be aware of what's going on there. That's saying something not about the other person, but turn that inward and think about what it's saying about yourself. In that moment, perhaps you gain some insight into a need or one of the buttons that gets pushed. If you have these buttons that can get pushed, you're going to attract people that can push them. The first place is the awareness. Okay?

Jennifer: Okay.

Drew: Then, what I personally do – because what these needs or buttons are is energy, and they're conditioned energy that we've mistaken for us, and it then becomes responsible for our action – is that we need to eliminate that energy. What I do is feeling into the core of the feeling. Call up what that feels like in your body; get to know where that energy resides. In my example, when you don't feel appreciated, start to feel into the core of that and watch that break up and disperse. Once you no longer have that energy present, you'll notice you don't have that same reaction. Then, you'll notice that the people you attract in your life, change. It's not about them changing or you deciding to look for a different person. That's the point where you can make the change within yourself – knowing what upsets you, knowing what calls up that negative energy, eliminating it, and coming from that place of wholeness.

Jennifer: Does anything ever not work over months and months?

Drew: I've never had that happen. By feeling into the core of the feeling, I've been able to eliminate things that have been plaguing me for years.

XXX: Do you have a certain way you go into that?

Drew: Yeah, it's all in an attraction forum – we go through the whole exercise. It's about getting in touch with the feeling part of you and just drilling down and feeling fully what's there. When people do that, they notice that energy start to break up and leave their body. As simple an exercise as that is, I can tell you it's been a lifesaver for me – it's not very hard to do. We have the idea that it's hard, but it's really been remarkable what it's released me from. If you listen to what's there, you'll find you can handle it just fine.

XXX: There's something really valuable, Drew, in what you're saying. I know where I've got something in the past is that I think that if something feels a certain way, I think, ‘Oh no, not this again!'

Drew: What do you mean?

XXX: I'll use the example of having an argument with my wife and I think, ‘Oh no, not again'. My mind wants to dredge up that this is something we've got through in the past and really give it some emotional weight. While the feeling might be familiar – in other words, that knot in my gut – it doesn't have anything to do with past experiences. It's incredible in that feeling into the core really clears the space so quickly. When you said that it's not about changing the other person, it's funny that in the moment those things get released, she shows up differently.

Drew: No question.

XXX: And that's really cool.

Drew: That's the whole thing. We listen to people in relationships and want them to change, but when we change, they change. There's a quote from Wayne Dyer that says, ‘When you change, the way you look at things changes.'

XXX: I think they can feel that too, because I've done a lot of work in my family and my relationship is so open, honest, and flowing now compared to before. They're not emotionally out there with stuff like that, but they hug me, they talk about things, and get really personal. It's completely different since I've changed.

Drew: And when you change, the only thing you can do is come in contact with people who are in that same place. That's the only thing that happens. You come in contact with people who are matching your vibration.

XXX: I think a fear is that if you change too much that certain people you still want in your life will disappear.

Drew: That's true, and sometimes it does happen. I know that's a fear of mine, that if I change, I'm going to leave people behind.

XXX: But by the same token, when you get to the other side, you're okay with that when that happens.

Drew: And that's a big point as well. If you notice that feeling, just focus within your body and see where that feeling shows up. What we typically do is go to our brain and wonder how we can figure it out, how we can change that person, and so on. Check out that other class; it's exactly what we've talked about. In all the stuff about attraction and how to bring what we want into our lives – we could write a list of the kind of person we want to bring into our business or relationship – but it doesn't show up and we think, ‘Why? Why? Why?' It's what's within us. Until you dispel that, it will continue to be your point of attraction. But, the cool thing is, we know that now.

What have you gotten out of this? I'm wondering where people are out there.

XXX: I can't wait to go listen to the other class.

XXX: Why is the title of the class?

Drew: It's the ‘Why isn't it showing up?' forum. If you look at the steps in attraction of asking for what you want, the universe granting that, and us allowing it, this has to do with the 3rd stage – how do we allow the people we want to come into our lives to come to us?

XXX: Since we've started this conversation, the temperature in upstate New York has gone up 15 degrees! This whole idea of replacing intense resistance with intense curiosity just really works, every single time. It's not like a formula; it feels more like a fact.

Drew: Thank you for that. What I get out of my relationships now is that it is a place to be curious; I can direct my energy outward, and what a waste that it. if I start to look at my relationships as a laboratory where I learn more about me – and I don't learn anything about that person; I'm not talking about being interested in the person here – it's just a huge opportunity to grow as a person and reclaim that feeling of wholeness. The ideal relationship is where you can just be with somebody. You have an unconditional love where you can just be together. Anybody else before we go?

XXX: This has been a great call.

Drew: Thank you; it's been fun. It took on its own life, and I appreciate you all sharing your experiences. I'm sure in the future, since relationships are an integral part of our lives, that will continue to develop here at AttractionVille. I thank you for being on the call here! Thank you all! See you again on the bridge!